Why Are You Still Single? Sara Eckel Says It’s Not You


What’s wrong with me?

Sure, I’m not perfect, but I’m reasonably attractive, interesting, and smart.

I’ve been putting myself out there, making the time to go on dates, and it just isn’t working. I’m just not meeting anyone. Well, not anyone who’s right for me.

Maybe I should stop settling for people who are obviously not long-term partner material. Or maybe my expectations are too high—maybe I should just accept that no one’s perfect and stop looking for someone to rise to my impossible standards.

Maybe I’m just afraid of commitment. Or…or maybe I’m TOO ready for commitment—and that’s why people are scared away. How can I show that I’m open and available to a relationship, but also not seem too needy?

Maybe I should be more available—I’m super-busy all the time, and people want to feel needed. But wait—maybe I should be LESS available, because people like someone who has a life.

And I LIKE my life. I’m too busy to just sit around waiting for Mr./Ms. right to show up!

…But what if it doesn’t happen?

Should I focus less on my career and find a partner first, or the other way around?

If I was in my 20s this would be okay, but now it’s time to get serious. If I don’t make it happen, it never will!

I need to try harder. Make time. Figure out what I’m doing wrong.

Why am I still single?!?!

Does that hamster wheel sound familiar?

You guys, there are ways in which being single is AWESOME.

AND, sometimes it really, really sucks to be single when you don’t want to be.

Especially when you see other people partnering off all around you. Especially when you’re constantly fielding questions like “So, are you seeing anyone?” “How’s your dating life?” and “When are you going to settle down?” from everyone from your mother to your dentist.

Are you a thirtysomething single who’s starting to wonder what’s wrong with you? Are you trying to do everything you’re “supposed” to, but still going to bed and waking up alone?

Sara EckelWriter and New York Times “Modern Love” columnist Sara Eckel has been there. At thirty-one, after ending a major relationship and leaving her job in the same month, Sara found herself in a perfect storm of transition. “I’d wake most nights at the usual witching hours—three, four—sitting up straight on the futon, staring out my one window, wondering what the fuck I had just done.”

Determined to rebuild, Sara set out to diagnose her shortcomings and begin the “construction of Sara 2.0,” a quest for self-improvement and lovability.

In the process, Sara “had a lot of fun, made many friends, traveled to foreign countries—the whole happy-single-woman shebang. But my love life, when it existed at all, was a random assortment of tepid dates, weird make-out sessions, and two-month what-the-hell-was-thats. Meanwhile, people all around me fell in love like there was nothing to it. They moved in together, got married, had babies—often without the benefit of a single yoga class! I didn’t get it.”

Despite doing everything she could to “get out there,” Sara remained single for most of her thirties. Throughout, she continued determinedly on her quest to figure out why. “I was a woman in her late thirties, alone,” writes Sara. “What was wrong? What was wrong with me?”

Sara’s quest to answer that question resulted in a book that I would put into the hands of every single AND partnered reader if I could.

It's Not YouRelatable, incisive, funny, and totally on-point, It’s Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You’re Single exposes the messages we get from others and repeat to ourselves, unpacks the massive contradictions in those messages (You’re too independent! You’re too needy!), and completely reframes the single experience.

Sara wrote this book in part for her thirtysomething self…and for all the single thirtysomethings out there today who wonder what they’re doing wrong. And in this interview with The Thirtysomething Coach, she shares her insights and tips with you.

Watch now to learn how to handle thirtysomething singledom, in all its fabulousness and unfabulousness, including:

  • How to deal with the gnawing, nagging questions: What if I never meet him or her? What if it never happens?
  • Why are you still single—really? (hint: you might want to give yourself a little more credit)
  • How to stay calm in the crazy dating game, and deal with bad dates and disappointments as you put yourself out there
  • How to powerfully handle your loneliness, sadness, vulnerability, and pain…and allow it to pass more quickly (following Sara’s advice could totally change every area your life in which you’re experiencing those feelings)
  • What to do when you feel out of control of your love life—and the surprising way you can actually regain some control
  • How to reconnect with your own instincts and preserve your self-esteem in a world that’s always telling you what’s wrong with you (You’re too picky! You’re afraid of commitment! You should have married that guy!)
  • Why “what’s wrong with you” is not actually the point
  • A powerful and empowering three-word answer to that question: “Why are you still single?”

Sara will help you to recognize and release all the negative messages you’re getting about yourself (“When you’re single,” writes Sara, “there is so very much shit to wade through”), and manage the tough times when being single feels lonely, scary, or just exhausting.

If you’re trying to obey all the instructions from your friends and the dating experts to “get out there” and make yourself “ready” for love, and it’s still not working…

If you’re having trouble dealing with those Saturday nights when being a fabulous single lady or gent doesn’t feel so fabulous…

this is a can’t-miss interview.

Watch the interview and then get your hands on a copy of It’s Not You! Visit Sara’s website here.


What is your biggest takeaway from this interview? What’s the best advice you ever received about singledom? How do you deal with “single storms”? Tell us in the comments below.

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